and all the while i'll know we're fucked, and not getting unfucked soon

we think we're fine. we think that life goes through ups and downs, but that the downs can't really be that bad, and that they'll just lead to ups soon. we think that the really terrible stuff that we see in movies or read in stories or hear on the news won't happen to us. because it can't. it happens to people who know someone else who spoke to someone it happened to once. and that's just the worlds way of warning you. it's not real. but then, something happens. something like, someone dies. and at first you just kind of feel like things should go on as normal, because although you know it should be a sad thing, it can't possibly change things so drastically that your day can't just continue like one of the many other sad days you've had. because you know those days, and you know that during them even though it's sad, it's still okay.
but actually, it's not.
and things can't just go on like normal. and it's more than just sadness. and it sucks. but when you're there and you finally feel it, you think; "okay. this is something. it's not a nice something, but at least i know it can't possibly get worse than this, and it won't change me."
and then when you think it's starting to get better, something else happens. someone does something that you just weren't prepared for. and it's small-ish, and normally you think it wouldn't be very significant, and again you think; "this isn't going to change anything."
but you're wrong.
because it does. because suddenly the small-ish thing makes you lose something bigger. it makes you lose faith. it changes the way you feel about something that was so sure. that one little thing opens a floodgate in your mind, and all the small things and the sad things start to consume you and you suddenly take a step back and realise;
fuck.
you've changed.
it's all affected you.
it always does.
and we think when we're in happy places that we're safe from it, but we're not. because all of us are just constantly fucking each other up. We do stuff to one another that stays with us for life, and we don't realise it but it gets added to the bank of emotional baggage and we start to change ourselves because of it. and we change the way we used to be open, so we close up to protect ourselves from all the fucked up. because some of us are so fucked up already. and all of this, from death to friends to people to our defensive reactions just makes it so much worse, and fucks us up so much more.
and i, for one, am not getting unfucked soon.